Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
