and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
false alarm. still invincible.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
