the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
