I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just gargled with NyQuil
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
