I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
