i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
