Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
