Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
