that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
