Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
