I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
