I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize
