My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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