history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
