I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize