I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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