Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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