What did we do last night that was yellow?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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