Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
