I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Randomize
