Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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