all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
