Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
