How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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