a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Randomize
