there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
