captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
