totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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