remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
