the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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