My liver just broke up with me...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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