Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
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