Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
