Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
