my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
