We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
