She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
