remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
