I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
