I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
honey bunches of taint.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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