I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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