Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
