So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
