I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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