Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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