Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
