my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
