did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
