Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
pray to the hookup gods
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
