just tell him i said nine months
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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