It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
