i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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