OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
