the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
