they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Randomize
