I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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