she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
