I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I wish there were birth control emojis
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize