I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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